hell i still love you new york

hell i still love you new york

so i’m back in dc from spending a couple of days in new york for the PRAXIS premiere at New Filmmakers, and i feel like i’m in a completely different space: one that is more free, creative, inspired, and less stressed out, less anxiety, and more ready to work on the myriad of film projects that are going on at the time. i feel like i’m filled with a new sense of positive energy, one that is more willing to concentrate on the creative side, and less on the negative energy that seems to be the majority of the film industry. as cliche as it may sound, i do feel that anything is possible, if you just put your mind down to it. and actually, this feeling is incredibly liberating.

The premiere of the film at New Filmmakers was an incredible success – it’s safe to say that it’s been the best audience response to the film so far. and i’m glad to hear so many people talk about the film not only just positively, but also about all of the images and themes that inspired them, all of the things that they took away from the experience of watching the film on the big screen. to have such a great response to the film is incredibly validating. i got so caught up in the moment that i didn’t end up shooting any video or taking any pictures of the event. i guess to me, it was more important to connect with people at that moment than shoot any video or take pics. so it goes…

it was really great to catch up with my good friend Barney, who has been helping to run New Filmmakers for a very long time now. i met him years ago when my short film Unfortunate Man screened there (and for anyone who hasn’t seen UMAN, you can watch the entire film online at www.damagedfilms.com/U_Man.html ), and he’s been in the new york indie film scene for a very long time. so, i love talking to him about all things film related – he’s got so much wisdom and insight about the industry, and i always learn something from our conversations. we talked about the current state of indie film and what filmmakers need to do with the internet in relation to putting their work out there. the whole thing is both exciting and frightening, but i think every filmmaker needs to think about the different ways that they can put their stuff out there, and to concentrate more on the things that they can control and do on there own without relying on any outside sources.

on the train ride up to new york, i watched a documentary called WAMEGO STRIKES BACK from my good friend Steve Balderson, an incredibly talented filmmaker from Kansas. this documentary was about his first feature FIRECRACKER, and the distribution hell that went on with it after it played the festival circuit. this doc was incredible, and I think it’s one that every filmmaker and/or aspiring filmmaker must to see. i totally agree with steve in that the easiest part of filmmaking is making the movie. the hardest part is getting it out there. needless to say, i learned a ton from this doc, and realized that some of the things that i was going through with the promotion of PRAXIS were exactly the same things that steve went through. so, if you haven’t seen WAMEGO, you MUST see this doc.

at the screening, i finally met tom macy’s parents, and they were so cool. i’ve heard so much about them during the course of making the film for the past few years, and i told them that they should be very proud of tom – he’s an incredibly talented actor, and we were so fortunate to find him way back when, during the auditioning. he did a fantastic job with the film, and the majority of the audiences have been so impressed with his acting. it’s beautiful, and tom is such a low-key, down-to-earth guy: he was totally stoked at the screening, and it was awesome, and i could tell that his parents were very very proud that tom did such a great job.

the following day, i was able to meet up with my good friend andrew and his partner roland for lunch. roland is also an incredibly accomplished filmmaker, and andrew is a total sweetheart. me and andrew have been good friends for quiet some time now, so being able to catch up with both of them was awesome, even if it was just for lunch. roland always gives me such great insights into the film industry, and he is also such a good-hearted, down-to-earth guy – i learn a ton from talking to roland. when i mention stan brakage or jonas mekas, roland knows what i’m talking about. it’s awesome to have a fellow filmmaker that understand you, one that’ on the same page. and i think it’s important to surround yourself with like-minded sorts, the kinds of people that will inspire you, and encourage you to do more and think creatively. andrew pointed out to me that one of the things that he enjoyed most about PRAXIS, what made it stand out from other indie films, is that the visuals were so strong, that it had high production value, and the cinematography was beautiful. most indies don’t spend the time and/or have the money for good cinematography. but at the same time, i think, first and foremost, the film HAS to look as good as possible on screen. but i think what made me really stoked, was seeing how happy both roland and andrew were together – seeing your friends in a ‘good’ space sends out such a good vibe. i was really glad to be able to spend time with both roland and andrew during my short visit to nyc.

despite all the good and bad things about New York, i still find the city incredibly inspiring. the city is filled with so much going on. everyone is busy working on ‘something’. but for me to present a ‘gay/art/film’ like PRAXIS at New Filmmakers, one that is deeply visual, and not a whole lot of dialogue – people actually ‘get it.’ and i think that’s what makes crowds on the east and west coasts different. and that’s so awesome.

so, i’m back in dc, re-energized, and ready to get back to work. i’m currently working on putting together the soundtrack cd for the film, and maybe even consider putting together a cool collage type book for the film. i kind of feel like there was so much that went on with the production and everything else, that it really needs something to compile everything into one album, something to show how much hard work and heart that went into making the film. i’m also working on a couple of new scripts, testing out different visual techniques that i may use for some future projects, working on a couple of music videos, re-considering my old script for the DEAD SOLDIER as something that could be done on an indie budget, planning the DVD release options for PRAXIS, and i may even decide to work on a more freeform project that involves going back to shot on an old school bolex.

needless to say, the premiere of PRAXIS at New Fimmakers was awesome – the whole new york trip was absolutely incredible and inspiring for me.

hell, i still love you new york.

the price of love

thr

the price of love

in only a few more days, PRAXIS will have it’s New York Premiere at New Filmmakers / Anthology Film Archives. and i have mixed feelings about this upcoming event. i’m quite excited to be able to present the film to a new york audience, and our lead actor tom has invited a ton of people. hopefully, we will have a great turn out. at the same time, i’m curious about what a new york audience will think of the film. is it too artsy or is it not artsy enough? i think every filmmaker wants their film to be well received, but at the same time, i’d prefer not only to reach the audience, but also inspire them to think more on the right side of the brain. the concepts and intentions of PRAXIS were written long before the film even began actual production. and a lot of the original ideas had to be modified or changed due to the simple logistics of shooting the film and completing it in some form. hopefully, the end result is a film that stays true to it’s original intentions, a film that has its own integrity. i do think that PRAXIS does this. ultimately, PRAXIS is a film that is all about love, but at what price?

at this point in the film’s life, i’m getting a little bit exhausted. don’t get me wrong – i’m very happy that the film has screened at a number of places already, and that it’s gotten a fair bit of press. but the amount of work that goes into promoting a film can get a little tedious. that promotion, combined with new ideas and scripts and everything else that i’d like to work on – all these things, i’m finding it a bit overwhelming at the moment. the creative blocks are tough right now. and i’m not exactly sure what way to overcome them.

recently, i had an unexpected ‘pitch’ session with a producer’s rep who immediately wanted to hear what some of my new projects were. honestly, i’m not really that great at pitch sessions, and the meeting kinda made me sick to my stomach. i could tell that this other person’s single and only intention was to make money, and it had nothing to do with art. i kinda felt like i was at the AFM all over again. i’m sure that nothing will ever come from this ‘meeting’, and that this is seriously someone i would never want to work on a professional level of any sort. but, to be quite honest, i seem to be meeting more of these kind of people lately, and less of the kind that i would prefer to surround myself with.

years ago, i used to play in a couple of bands, and i really enjoyed playing music. but i did exhaust a ton of energy into the music, and i ultimately had to decide between music and filmmaking, which of the two i need to put my creative energy into. i decided then that it was filmmaking, and years later, PRAXIS is the end result. but needless to say, there is a part of me that misses writing, creating, and playing music. so, this past week, i have this simple idea to put together and album of music that i can enjoy for myself and share with others. it’s all instrumental, minimal, and cinematic. so far, i really dig the couple songs that i’ve come up with. hopefully, this project will help me with my other creative endeavors that seem to be currently blocked for whatever reason.

as for my next feature, it seems like there are two different directions i can go with – the conventional scripts: one completed horror script, a sci-fi idea, and traditional linear narrative. the other direction is to go completely experimental, and do a feature similar to stan brakage or jonas mekas – a complete disregard for convention, something more freeform and less linear. the trouble lies in the notion that a film needs to make money for it to be considered successful, and to increase the possibility for a film to make money, you have to have a built in concept of the market and the target audience. but this is a bit of a quandary – how can you really tell what the market is? what will really sell? and if you pander your project to simply all this, how much of the original idea is left to satisfy the creative integrity of the project? the other way is to be purely experimental, creating a film completely with no regard for marketability or profit or target audience. instead, you create something purely for your own sake and enjoyment.

years ago, back in film school, the first film projects i worked on were shot with a bolex on b/w 16mm. i loved the wind-up hand-held freedom of shooting with a bolex. over the years, films become much more complicated in the production, bigger crews, the need for a higher production value. but i do miss the ability to go out an just shoot stuff for fun. i think that’s really why i got into filmmaking in the first place. there were all these really beautiful things around me that i wanted to capture on film. in some ways, i would like to return to some form of filmmaking that captures this same essence of filmmaking.

but ultimately, what is the price of all this energy put into filmmaking? what is the price of this love of film?